How To Be A Hockey Player

Step #1: Buy skates and learn how to use them. More importantly, learn how to stop. Nobody wants to be that guy who can’t turn around every time the puck changes direction.
 

Step #2: Buy the most ridiculously expensive stick you can find. Don’t worry about breaking it, there’s a limited warranty for a reason.
 

Step #3: Now buy the rest of your pads and equipment and enjoy the fresh smell of new gear which will last for about 5 seconds after you put it on.

Step #4: Know what kind of hockey player you are:

• The Dangler
• The Sniper
• The Goon
• The Girl
• The Soccer Player
• The Rookie
• The One With Too Much Team Spirit

Step #5: It’s called Beer League for a reason, there’s no bad time for a beer.
Enjoy a beer in the changeroom, on the bench, on the ice and between whistles.

 

Step #6: However, use caution and avoid becoming the one who is often belligerently drunk.
 

Step #7: Learn basic hockey player jargon such as the following: dangles, snipes, celly, flow, beaut, chirp, twig, wheel, chel, bender, dusty, clapper, bar south, dusty, gino, apple.
 

Step #8: Practice makes perfect! Mess up your garage door by practicing your shots every day.

 

Step #9: Always talk about the time you played Junior B.

 

Step #10: Remember the story behind every battle scar, missing tooth and injury so you can tell all your friends!

Step #11: Find ways to entertain yourself while you aren’t playing such as recreating classic games on NHL 14 or gluing your eyes to the TV every time there is a game on.
 

Step #12: Remember, the post game shower never gets rid of the stench. There is no such thing as too many showers.
 

Step #13: Learn how to pronounce difficult NHL player names such as the following: “Dustin Byfuglien, Branko Radivojevic, Krzysztof Oliwa, cal clutterbuck, Steve Yzerman, Pekka Rinne and Alexander Semin”.

 

Step #14: Call your jersey a “sweater”; wear it with pride, baby it, and wear it everywhere.

 

Step #15: Methodically watch the zamboni driver clean the ice between periods.

 
Step #16: Learn how to prank the rookies. Classic gags include putting sock tape on the bottom of their skates, or unscrewing the cap of their water bottle.
 
Step #17: Get comfortable with teammates slapping your butt. Nothing says 'good job' like another man’s hand on your ass.
 
Step #18: Get used to accidently walking on the ice with your skate guards still on.
 
Step #19: Learn how to chirp.
 
Step #20: Know how to efficiently identify the biggest douche on the ice: the guy with the tinted visor.
 
Step #21: Many hockey players require extra dental work. To save time and expenses, become your own dentist.

 

Step #22: Always forget your roll of hockey tape at home, then pester your teammates to borrow theirs.

 

Step #23: Learn how to deal with tape after games. By being environmentally friendly or by practicing your free throws.
 

Step #24: Refer to every goal as a “beaut”.
 

Step #25: Dedicate yourself to maintaining your “flow”. Remember, it’s a part of you.
 

Step #26: Nothing is ever your fault. Blame everything on the refs -- it was probably their fault anyway.
 

Step #27: Learn how to pick up chicks, or as hockey players like to call it “wheeling broads”.
 

Step #28: Figure out a way to deal with your car stench by either 1. Apologizing to everyone who gets in your car 2. Straight denial 3. Or multiple air fresheners.
 

Step #29: Get used to wearing wet gear. But don’t forget to take it out of the car on those cold winter nights. Nobody wants to thaw out a jock strap.
 

Step #30: And finally, remember hockey is all about having fun, meeting new people and sportsmanship!